My favorite GIF of late is the one of Taylor Swift and Taylor Swift having the “It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem, it’s me!” exchange. I send it to people when I need to apologetically ask for something, or own up to having missed a ping.
In my mind, though, self-deprecating humor is one thing—and negative feedback is quite another.
I know, I know; when I say negative feedback, I should say constructive feedback. That’s fair. But here’s the honest truth: for many of us, they feel more or less the same. At least when we first hear those not-positive words.
In the legal profession—where every client’s needs and expectations differ, business priorities and budgets change frequently, and best practices evolve alongside technology and workflow innovations—accepting and integrating feedback is an essential skill. It helps grow and adapt quickly enough to stay ahead of the curve, deliver better outcomes for clients, and contribute meaningfully to our organizations.
Still, staying positive while hearing that you can or should be better at something may not come easily to you. That’s okay, and you’re not alone; it certainly doesn’t come easily for me. Fortunately, as with any skill, gracefully hearing and adapting to feedback is a talent that can be practiced and mastered over time. Take a peek at these strategies that can help—especially as we head into mid-year review season.
Why Feedback Hurts (Even When You Know It’s Helpful)
First, you should know that the way your brain reacts to emotional pain caused by things like rejection and self-doubt significantly overlaps with the way it reacts to physical pain. That sense of panic, threat, danger, and confusion you feel when hearing criticism? It’s real.
The natural neurological response to pain comes in a few familiar forms, primarily: fight, flight, and freeze. It’s helpful to do a little self-reflection and get a sense for which response your brain usually enacts when you receive negative feedback.
- In a fight response, you may feel anger:
- You might reflexively deny or argue against the criticism.
- Alternatively, you may want to move very rapidly to solution-building: “if this is so bad, we better attack the problem immediately.”
- In a flight response, your first instinct is to escape:
- It’s hard to stay focused on what you’re hearing. Physically, your heart might start to race.
- The idea of simply running away—maybe toward home, or a new job, or some other task or project where you feel more confident—consumes your headspace.
- A freeze response can leave you feeling helpless:
- You may withdraw, going silent and limiting your participation in the conversation.
- Emotionally, you may struggle to process the feedback. You end up somewhat detached from the situation as you try to shield yourself from it.
Ultimately, accepting feedback requires vulnerability. But our brains don’t like vulnerability, and this is especially true at work.
Cultivating trust in your team and your boss, reflecting on how you’ve successfully built new skills and expertise over your career, and hearing about how people you admire have received and adapted to negative feedback can all help you teach your brain that there’s no danger in these exchanges—and that, in fact, they will help you improve your career and circumstances over time.
How to Respond in the Moment
Getting a good sense of your typical response to constructive feedback is step one. Step two is getting a handle on that response in the moment.
Here are some quick tips:
- In a fight response:
- If you find yourself tempted to argue, pause. Make sure you’re being honest with yourself and open to authentically hearing what your colleague, client, or leader is saying.
- If you want to jump straight to cure-alls, again, pump the brakes: give yourself time to ask questions and think strategically before jumping straight to solutioning.
- In a flight response:
- Keep yourself grounded in the opportunity to find greater confidence in the not-too-distant future. Accepting this feedback now will help you avoid uncomfortable moments like this down the road.
- In your head or out loud, affirm for yourself that improvement is within reach and running away from the problem will only allow it to fester into something that may actually pose a threat to your career.
- In a freeze response:
- Leaning on your trust in the person delivering this feedback—their positive intent, their ability to help you—is key.
- When you’re struggling to stay present, be honest about it. Tell the other person that you appreciate their input; would they mind sending it to you in writing so you can review and process more intentionally?
Again, these controls take practice. Hopefully, spontaneous opportunities to practice your response to negative feedback aren’t terribly frequent.
In between occurrences of the real deal, you can rehearse a little by soliciting feedback more proactively. Ask your colleagues for their input on a deliverable, draft, or communication style. You can send the request in writing to give yourself a chance to receive their response, read it, and digest it on your own.
This approach comes with a lot less pressure than a face-to-face conversation that happens by surprise, but still gives you a chance to take note of your instinctual reactions and practice staying positive, focused, and productive.
What to Do After the Conversation
Even after the feedback conversation ends, intentionality matters. Give yourself a moment to process what you’ve heard and felt. Let your brain see that there is no danger.
Then, focus on gathering what you need to facilitate an optimal response:
- Following a fight response:
- Rest! All that tension will wear on you. It’s okay to step away for a bit to regain some peace and improve your ability to construct a go-forward plan with calmness and logic.
- Gather information. Do some research on the internet, get some advice from ChatGPT, or reach out to trusted colleagues and mentors. Arming yourself with plenty of perspective can help you settle on the right steps to take next.
- Following a flight response:
- Here, too, it’s okay to step away and breathe a bit. Feel the panic subside by practicing whatever calming techniques work best for you. Ask for support and reassurance from a loved one or trusted peer.
- As you start to build your plan for putting this feedback into practice, focus on empowerment. Remind yourself that you do have the skills and disposition to improve. Positive self-talk and optimism can go a long way.
- Following a freeze response:
- Find an anchor that will help you relax and feel like yourself again. Whether it’s a favorite song, a break for a snack or a good meal, or a conversation with a friend, bringing yourself out of this intense moment and into more familiar territory should help.
- Review the feedback on your own (again, ask the person to send it to you in writing if they haven’t already). Without being under someone else’s gaze, you can take the time you need to understand and absorb the information; compare it to your perspective; and start thinking through ways to address it.
Once you’ve gotten through this initial reflection stage, make sure you are both timely and thoughtful in your follow-ups with the other person. Make it apparent just how much you’re taking their constructive insight to heart and involve them, to whatever extent possible, in your improvement plans.
If you’re like me, you hold yourself to pretty high expectations—and criticism from someone else can make those expectations feel alarmingly unmet. It’s all too easy to be much too hard on yourself.
It may help to remember that no reasonable boss, client, or colleague expects perfection from you. They’re only human and they know you are, too. Engaging in this feedback process attentively and matter-of-factly will help you further cement their respect and their confidence in relying on you well into the future.
Reframe Feedback with a Growth Mindset
In any business, there is the need to balance an always-be-closing attitude with one that leaves room for respect and rest. This balance is what we like to call a “growth mindset.”
With a growth mindset, you can learn to thrive in the face of challenges because improvement and innovation become a central part of what you do and the goals you set.
Where a fixed mindset implies your abilities and character are static and must be wrangled into helping you achieve your goals, a growth mindset recognizes that embracing change and developing your skills are achievements all on their own—and necessary steps to success.
The long and short of it is: you’ll get there. Your career is a journey, and the stepping stones along that path are what build you up along the way.
Graphics for this article were created by Sarah Vachlon.
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